Right now I’m struggling a lot. I feel like someone is pushing down on me and like a giant rock has settled in the bottom of my stomach and there’s a constant lump in my throat as if I could start sobbing at any time. It’s one of those days where it feels like everything in the entire universe is working against your happiness. I feel isolated, quiet. It’s like I’m invisible and I’m viewing life in my family from the outside. I haven’t moved all day. I watched two seasons of a show on Netflix because it’s mind-numbing and it doesn’t require any emotional exertion or feeling. My whole body feels completely drained. My feet are dragging, my eyes are exhausted, my joints ache; it’s as if my body is just shutting down because it simply cannot go any further.
I woke up at 4:30 am. I laid in the bed and cried until 5:45 am because all I wanted was to sleep, but I knew I wasn’t going to be able to fall back asleep. I sat in the floor of the living room until about 9:00 am. Then I finally went and took a shower, which consisted of getting shampoo in my eyes and then sobbing because I failed at the simple task of washing my hair. I got out of the shower and put on pajamas because there was no reason to wear anything decent, it’s not like I had anywhere to go anyways. I wound up watching Netflix all day and then crying some more, because hey why not.
I ate some tacos for dinner and now here I am. I’m just trying to figure out what my normal is.
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